Newsletter 6: What’s stopping me?
Twenty-three texts. During the month of September, I exchanged twenty-three back-and-forths with my dear friend Zena as we attempted to find a mutually agreeable date to get together. Immediately upon sending that 23rd message, (which read: ‘That works!! Cannot wait!!’), I switched from the messaging app to iCal, held the space in my calendar and mentally patted myself on the back for ticking that stubborn item off my list.
Fast forward to two days before we were set to meet up, I was rushing between appointments and catching up on my messages in the process. I noticed a deleted text in my thread with Zena, and a few moments later, a voice note. Still walking at quite a clip, I pressed play. As I listened though, my pace slowed.
The first thing I heard was a faint sense of exhaustion and near overwhelm that felt all too familiar. As she carried on, I heard frustration in the description of a painful back issue that was clearly rooted in the busy-ness of work and life, and the holding of the many emotions that come with all of that. (Also familiar to me.)
But what really grabbed my attention, was a calm decisiveness in her “executive decision” to prioritise herself by creating some space for stillness and rest. I heard how truly excited she still was for us to reconnect - and to be fully present for that meeting when it did happen. And finally, I heard in her voice and her words how PROUD she was for taking the decision to reschedule.
By this point, I was stopped dead in my tracks. I wanted to formulate an equally thoughtful response, so I considered how I felt.
I of course felt deep care and concern for my friend. Surprisingly though, as much as I had been looking forward to seeing Zena, it struck me that I felt not an ounce of disappointment. Instead, I was busy feeling deeply valued by how she had trusted me to understand. I felt assured that we’d find the RIGHT date sometime soon. Most strikingly - and perhaps why I am sharing this story with you - is that I felt EMPOWERED after listening to that two-minute voice note.
It’s worth mentioning that I’d been feeling a bit broken too. I was chalking up the tension I felt in too many muscles of my body, to a calendar stuffed with a million things I did indeed want to do, a to-do list of things I kinda wanted to do, and to a surge of travel that felt necessary in the post-Covid era sense of freedom I was experiencing. I was doing all the things, but still felt like I was always missing out, never catching up and more often than I’d like, not fully present.
As I stood there in the middle of the pavement with the speaker at the bottom of my phone pointed directly into my ear, a big red neon sign flashed off-and-on in my brain and it read: WHAT is stopping me?!
This simple voice recording served as a reminder of what is always hidden in plain sight. Cue the inner dialogue:
😳 Wait, I can do that too!! I can readjust my diary when I am over-committed. No one is stopping me. My life, my choices!
😫 Urrrgh, but what if I let other people down?
🤩 OR…what if by making a decision that will enable me to be fully present for them later, they end up feeling more valued by me, more connected to me… even inspired by me?!
Then…I took a WILD leap forward and asked myself: Hang on…why not skip feeling broken in the first place? How about as I fill my schedule, I make choices that honour more than my desire to please others or to avoid FOMO?! What would happen if in just 1 time out of 10, I decided to prioritise stillness, rest or even just a bit of breathing room above those other motivators? I was positively giddy at the sheer possibility of it all.
All of this processed through my brain in about 10 seconds. I hit record on a voice note expressing to Zena my firm support of her decision. I continued my recording to gush (in that ineloquent, rambling way you can with a friend) about how much her decision had inspired me.
I flipped back again to my iCal, deleted our date to meet up and vowed not to refill it simply because it was open. I put my phone in my pocket and spent the rest of my walk thinking about opportunities to create SPACE for myself - and who knows, maybe a deeper connection with someone else in the process.
CURIOSITY PROMPTS
If you get a sense that SPACE could be playing a more impactful role in your life and work these days, you might find these questions helpful. The next time you are considering making a time commitment, try one or more of them on for size.
Why exactly do I want to commit to this?
Which of my core values have the opportunity to be expressed or honoured should I go ahead with this? (P.S. You need to know what your core values are to answer this one. Fret not if you haven’t considered this recently - you can find a few questions to help with that in the last newsletter.)
What is stopping me from saying no or postponing?
Looking at the hours/days/weeks surrounding this potential commitment, how present/energised will I be if I go ahead? Are there adjustments I’d like to make to increase the chances of me being energised and fully present?
Extra Credit: Rest/nothingness is a common interpretation of ‘space’, but we are severely limiting ourselves when we hold onto that narrow definition! What other forms might ‘space’ take on across the various dimensions of your life and work?
STILL CURIOUS? (Bonus Content)
There is indeed science underlying the magic we feel when we create ample space! Check out this episode of Hidden Brain, featuring author, professor and engineer Leidy Klotz. Leidy studies our automatic tendency to add things when it comes to solving problems. This conversation helped me to appreciate just how underrated the approaches of removing, streamlining and simplifying have become!
WORK WITH ME
I work 1-on-1 with leaders - primarily women - who want to find more joy, meaning and success in their life and work. If this sounds like you, please know that I have capacity for 3 new clients starting this side of the new year.
Whilst we are on the topic of 2023, I want to be transparent and share that my pricing will increase in the new year. So if you were thinking of looking into coaching as a to-do for January, I invite you to reconsider! (All coaching packages purchased prior to January 1, 2023 will honour the current pricing structure.)
Book a 45min Curiosity Call with me to find out if we might be a good fit.
In all curiousness,
Joy
P.S. If/when the spirit ever moves you - always feel free to get in touch let me know what’s coming up for you!
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