Newsletter 5: What if I let it go?
I was just… over it. I felt disconnected and constantly drained by a job that had once filled me with so much energy and purpose. What had started as a little niggle in my head, whispering that I wasn’t quite as happy as I used to be, had morphed into a deafening alarm bell. It was screeching at me: ‘This job and you – you’ve run your course.’ So, as terrifying as it was to part with the safety net of a company and career that I’d come to think of as part of my own identity – I left.
👈 My last day.
(Don’t be fooled, I’m actually dancing in a puddle of my own sweat and anxiety.)
Now, as you might imagine, there is a lot more to the story of coming to this decision, and I suspect that story might feature in a future newsletter. But lately, it's what happened AFTER that decision that I’ve been thinking about a lot.
I wasted no time in drafting my criteria for my next gig and quickly determined that I had four basic requirements for feeling energised and purposeful in my work again. My deal-breakers were:
1. A start-up vibe.
2 . A buzzy and trusting team culture.
3. A mission I believed in.
4. A *NEW* Challenge. (Even though I’d built a name for myself as a sales leader and partnership builder, the idea of doing more of the same, simply under a different logo made me nauseous.)
I was aware that this list was missing a few minor details – like what kind of role I wanted, what sectors most interested me, size/stage of company, yada yada. So…I started having coffees. SO. MANY. COFFEES. It was a caffeine-powered exploratory phase, if you will. My thinking was: I don’t know what I want to do next, so maybe someone will say something over coffee that will give me a clue.
Through one of these coffees, I learned that a super-hot and fast-growing company was hiring for a senior leadership position. But a quick check of this opportunity against my dealbreaker criteria sent my alarm bells ringing again. The company culture had (at best) a shaky reputation. I didn’t feel a connection with the mission. And the role itself was a version of what I’d spent the last decade doing, albeit at a more senior level. Despite all of this, I heard myself saying, ‘I’d LOVE chat about this opportunity with you!’
That evening, as I excitedly relayed the output of my latest caffeine-fuelled catch-up to my husband, a genuinely confused expression came across his face.
David: But…I thought you said you wanted…
Joy: Yeah I know, true, and I have plenty of concerns. But,’ I rationalised, ‘this would be a pretty big deal – it would look great on my CV. I’ll talk to them… just out of curiosity.’
Well, that coffee turned into an informal interview which turned into me joining a full-blown recruitment process. Interviews and follow-ups, research and prep, indecision over the perfect interview outfit, the whole shebang.
Several meetings and weeks later, I was informed that I would not be receiving an offer for this particular role, ‘But let’s keep in touch.’ I couldn’t fault the reasoning they shared for their decision. And on one hand, I was utterly relieved. After all, had I been offered the role, I could have ended up in a carbon copy of my previous job, defeating the whole purpose of making the tough decision to leave it in the first place.
What was confusing though, was the simultaneous and visceral wave of disappointment that hit me like a tsunami. I knew the disappointment wasn’t about not getting the job itself – it was right there in black and white that I didn’t want the job in the first place! It was really about the fact that I thought the opportunity – the hot company, the big title and the equally big comp package – it would have seemed impressive to people I know and admire. And by not getting it, I’d missed an opportunity to impress them.
Apparently, there was an unwritten criteria on my list that I’d somehow kept secret, even from myself. My next opportunity needed to be:
5. An impressive opportunity.
What’s more, the intensity of the disappointment I was feeling told me that this criteria wasn’t just ON my list – it was actually underlined and in bold. I mean, at the first chance I got, I’d immediately sacrificed the rest of my ‘dealbreakers’ in favour of it.
It was more than a bit unsettling to realise just how much value, brain space and energy I had been allocating to this criteria. It started to become clear to me that most (if not ALL) of the anxiety I experienced not only in my effort to write the next chapter of my career, but in my whole career to date - was linked to my desire to be impressive. And to be fair, this criteria had served me pretty well – for a time. It had pushed me to learn, grow and perform. And in so doing, in my mind, it had earned a legitimate place in my priorities. But in that moment, I was embarrassed as I recognised the oversized role it had taken on over time and I felt exhausted by the anxiety that came with it.
I started to wonder: What would be possible if I could (truly) remove it from my list? What would happen if I could let it go? The answers that came back to me were:
o I might just be able to get clearer on what it is that *I* truly want.
o I might just be able to go after whatever that is, with ease.
o This whole process might get a LOT more fun.
I can happily confirm that ALL of my hypotheses were accurate. 🤩 By naming this criteria and what it was costing me, and getting clear on what I actually valued a lot more than approval and recognition, I was able to significantly lessen its power. I was able to loosen my grip on my need to be impressive because I could see and feel that I simply didn’t need it anymore. The letting go process, in turn, made it possible for me to be honest with myself and others about what I truly wanted and to spot opportunities to express those values.
But the story doesn’t end there because the process of letting go of my ‘impressive’ criteria continues to unfold. In fact, the reason this beautifully messy season of my life and career is on my mind right now is because I was recently feeling deeply anxious and couldn’t figure out why. I created some space to sit in that anxiety and wonder about it by bringing it up with my coach. And I became aware that I had slipped into my old habit of measuring my success based on metrics that I thought would look impressive to others. That secret criteria had crept its way back onto my list, and its mere presence felt like crap.
The really cool thing is that ‘remembering’ a lesson I’ve already learned is a lot easier and quicker than learning it for the first time. Instead of dismay and embarrassment, I experienced a sense of relief. ‘Oh, THAT’S the problem? Interesting that’s showed up again even though I don’t need it. Let’s cut that loose and refocus on what I know I value most.’
CURIOSITY PROMPTS
The work of ‘letting go’ of a value that is no longer serving you or your goals can seem daunting. Focusing on what you value above all else can be a great place to start. If you are curious, grab a journal or a friend and try on some of these questions for size.
- Think of a time when life was REALLY good. What was being expressed?
- What three values do you need to be honoured in order to do your best work?
- What do each of those mean to you? How do they feel? What about them makes them top priorities?
- What is something that you wish you cared less about?
- What is the act of prioritising that value costing you?
STILL CURIOUS? (Bonus Content)
No joke, this song (Just Let It Go by Robin Bengtsson) started playing as I sat down to write this newsletter – it gave me a chill and huge smile. The question of bonus content asked and answered.
WORK WITH ME (from September)
If you are curious about whether or not we’d make a good team in identifying, articulating and getting what you truly want out of this or the next chapter of your career and life, book in a Curiosity Call with yours truly. While I’m not accepting new clients at the moment, I will have availability opening up in September.
In all curiousness,
Joy