Newsletter 11: THE Question
IN THIS NEWSLETTER…
I’m baaaaack!
The Question that kept me up at night
A discounted special engagement for those impacted by recent layoffs
While I know that none of you are sitting there tapping your watch, counting how many weeks it has been since the last edition of this newsletter, I did want to share that I started writing this one well over a month ago. Then… life did what it does, and threw my family some curveballs – which have been challenging, beautiful and everything in between. This little break has reinforced how much I love connecting with all of you in this way, and so I feel a lot of joy as I put the finishing touches on this one and share with you today. 💜 As always, feel free to hit reply if anything resonates, I’d love to hear from you!
THE Question
For the first 20 years of my career, whenever I was asked, ‘What do you do?’, what I actually heard was: Are you interesting? Are you impressive?
And for the early part of that period, as I bounced around the globe and between consulting, sales and leadership roles, The Question (and the meaning I’d assigned to it) would raise a nervous energy in me. I’d feel a prick of sweat and a slightly increased heart rate as I tailored my answer, aiming to succinctly describe whatever I was doing at the time in the most favourable light possible.
“I’m a Consultant?”
“I’m an Account Manager?”
“I’m a Business Development Executive?”
Sometimes you could hear the question mark, sometimes not, but it was always there. It was asking, ‘Do you understand who I am now?’ ‘Is that good enough?’
Then, as I surpassed a decade of working and adulting, how I answered The Question changed. The meaning for me was the same – ‘Are you impressive?’ But now, I was working for a household name – and a ‘cool’ one at that.
I’d say: “I work at Facebook.”
I delighted in the ‘Ahs’ of recognition and the raised eyebrows. I happily indulged the questions about the culture, the free meals and whatever had been written about the company’s leadership that week. And each time I did, I felt safe and secure in the knowing that what I did for a living made sense and maybe even impressed the outside world.
Fast forward seven years and it was time to move on. (This is a whole other story which you can find in a previous newsletter.)
At this time, I was still associating the meaning of, ‘Are you interesting/impressive?’ with The Question. I didn’t realise it then, but this meant I was in for a very bumpy ride.
I took some time off before starting my next gig and during this period, The Question would inspire pure, unadulterated panic. ‘I, uh, well…. I used to work for Facebook but now I, uh well, I’m figuring out what’s next, I guess?’
When I co-founded a tech consulting firm, I would hear myself tripping over a description of what we did and the clients we wanted to serve, and more often than not, throwing in: “But I used to work at Facebook.”
Even when I first established my coaching practice, I’d be so worried about using the ‘right’ words to describe exactly what I do, for whom and how, that I’d barely be present in the conversation at hand. (Ironically, this is the antithesis of coaching!)
I can laugh now about the incoherent and anxiety-filled answers to this pretty common and innocuous question. But at the time, it was painful. Many a sleepless night were spent thinking how I wanted to answer The Question. More moments than I can count were spent judging myself for being so confused and anxious about a simple enquiry.
Today, I still don’t have a household name to fall back on. (Although I’m sure it’s only a matter of time for Joy Poole Coaching and Speaking! 🤩) Some people have no understanding of what I do for a living. Others may even be sceptical of it. Regardless though, for the first time ever, I feel… nothing in particular when I’m asked ‘What do you do?’.
To be clear, I feel ALL the feels about the actual work that I do. (Don’t get me started!) But The Question itself? The feeling it evokes feels similar to when someone might ask you ‘What’s your favourite food? or ‘What season do you love best?’. I feel perfectly calm and happy to share my answer, and with whatever words come out in the moment.
Because now, when The Question comes up, I no longer hear ‘Are you interesting? Or ‘Are you good enough?’ What I now hear is: ‘I’m curious about you.’
My previous anxiety about The Question of course had nothing to do with the actual intention or meaning of anyone asking it. It had everything to do with how much I was defining myself by how I earn a living. How much I was conflating my worth with my work.
To be clear, I don’t believe that this belief system was inherently ‘bad’. In fact, it worked pretty darn well for me for quite a while. Until it didn’t. And a lot of the work I do with my clients is around this very concept. Getting clear on on what it is we really want is the first step. Letting go of the belief systems that don’t serve that vision is critical too.
I now see my work – even though it’s the most rewarding of my career to date – as only a slice of the pie that is me. I’ve stopped valuing myself for being good at something. I’ve started valuing myself for simply Being – and being willing to grow.
This shift has meant that The Question has become simply…a question. And I couldn’t be more pleased to report that a release of a pressure like that can produce a clarity, calmness and excitement that is nothing short of transformational.
CURIOSITY PROMPTS
The first step in shifting from a place where a question causes anxiety/dread to a place of calm and excitement is (re)tapping into who you really are. Here’s an exploration that can help you get started on that.
Think of the last time you felt fulfilled and completely energized. (In your work or personal life, go back in time as far as you need to!)
Paint a picture: What were you doing? Who else was there? What were your surroundings? Detail, details, details!
What was being honoured or expressed in that moment?
What about these values makes them so important to you?
Quick Tip: Before you embark on the exploration above, try regulating your nervous system. This will help you to experience and answer the questions above with more flow. How you go about this doesn’t have to be complicated or ‘woo’. Some basic ideas to try:
Go for a walk and really feel your feet connect with the ground as you do
Breath in for 4 counts, out for 8 counts x 10
WORK WITH ME
1-to-1 Coaching: If you are writing the next chapter of work/life with a view to optimise it for more fulfilment, and are ready to engage some support in that process, let’s have a chat to discuss whether or not we’d be a good fit.
A Timely Offer: No one struggles with The Question more than someone who has unexpectedly been made unemployed. For this reason, I’ve created a discounted special engagement for those impacted by recent layoffs. If that’s you, simply hit reply to enquire.
In all curiousness,
Joy
P.S. If/when the spirit ever moves you or you have questions - always feel free to get in touch and let me know what’s coming up for you!
P.P.S. Know someone who would enjoy reading this newsletter? Feel free to share!
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