Newsletter 3: If I had it to do again…
I’m sitting in the passenger seat of our family car and I am getting thrashed in a game of ‘I Spy’ with my 5-year old son in the back seat. I’m not on my game because while I am physically there, my mind is actually absorbed in the latest articles and videos from the front lines of the war in Ukraine. I’m focused on holding back tears as I quietly relay devastating injustices to my husband who was sitting next to me. He reaches over from the driver’s seat, squeezes my hand and jumps into the game. ‘I spy with my little eye…’
It’s not the first time I’ve checked the news that day. I’ve slipped into a habit of leaving it playing in the background of my mornings. I’ve been refreshing the BBC app whenever I have a spare moment, and my ears perk up each time I hear the familiar ‘dongs’ that signal the hourly news update on the radio. Cue the jumpy inner monologue:
It’s the LEAST I can do. Practically speaking, I can’t control what’s happening. (And as shared in last month’s newsletter , Controlling All The Things is a legacy strategy of mine.) So the least I can DO is to try to understand and empathise - to whatever extent possible - with the suffering that is occuring.
And by the way, why is it exactly that I am feeling so compelled to understand the suffering of THIS war more than any other in recent history?
Also, I need to be up-to-the-minute-in-the-know as/when any escalations occur - they are saying this could be WWIII after all.
Sitting in that passenger seat, I’m hit with a tidal wave of déjà vu. I flashback to March 2020 when I quite literally fell to my knees whilst watching the evening news in my living room. The images of hospitals overflowing in Italy from severe cases of COVID-19 were heartbreaking and terrifying in equal measure. And I remembered how from that moment forward, for many (many) months, I was completely and utterly consumed by the news. I was constantly checking for updates on the numbers, the science and the changing rules and guidelines, and of course following all of the tragic stories that went with them.
And I remembered the dark places I went to during that time. I felt in my stomach the sense of foreboding and hopelessness that led me to withdraw from many relationships. How I’d had less patience at work and for those who had different views. How I’d been short with my son when he interrupted an ‘important’ breaking news update or how in many moments, I simply was not entirely ‘there’ for him when he clearly wanted me to be. I think to myself wistfully, if I had it to do again, I would show up differently. **PENNY DROPS**
Here I am, in another scary moment, where uncertainty is high and my sense of control is extremely low.
As I sat in that passenger seat, the sense of déjà vu morphed into a sense of clarity as I asked myself, ‘How do I want to BE this time around?’
Now, I’ve thought a LOT about how I want to show up in general. I’ve spent some quality time understanding which ways of BEING a leader, life partner, mom, friend, etc. feel aligned to who I truly am. So the answers to that question came to me pretty quickly. Present. Curious. Powerful.
And it occurred to me that over-consumption of the news was not helping me show up in those ways. I could not be present and curious for my family and friends if I was crying 24/7. I could not powerfully hold space for my clients if helplessness dominated my headspace. And crucially, an overwhelming sense of fear and foreboding (and resulting paralysis) wouldn’t help me to help my fellow humans in Ukraine either - in whatever small ways possible.
If you know me or have read any previous newsletters, it won’t surprise you to hear that groundrules are my jam. So it’s also unsurprising that I created my first boundary right then and there. I would limit my news-checking sessions to twice per day. The next week, copying a groundrule of a friend, I added that I would read my news instead of watching it. And from there I challenged myself to actively seek out the good stories - the volunteers, the small triumphs - and allowing myself to really feel the positive energy those stories brought.
And all of these tweaks helped me to take action where I could. To donate goods and money to causes and individuals. To come up with ways my business could support those affected. To be present for people who were struggling under the stress of this next tragic and hard moment.
These boundaries and actions, they continue to evolve today. And I am certainly not perfect in living them. But on the whole, I definitely feel myself being more present, curious and powerful than the last time around. And I could be imagining it, but I think the people around me feel it too.
CURIOSITY PROMPTS:
War is an extreme example, but none of us are strangers to the experiences of high levels of uncertainty/low sense of control. Anyone who has ever lost a job, considered a career change, navigated a tricky relationship, stepped into a new role or a new chapter, considered becoming a parent (or made any kind of big decision, really) can tell you that it can feel scary and uncomfortable. The next time you find yourself in one of these moments, instead of jumping straight into DOING whatever you can to increase certainty and gain control, I’d invite you to get curious and consider one or more of the following questions:
How do I want to BE in this situation? (In other words, how do I want to show up?)
Why are those characteristics important to me?
What might be possible if I succeed in showing up in this way?
What boundaries need to be honoured in order to allow me to show up in this way?
STILL CURIOUS? (Bonus Content)
Shifting from DOING to BEING requires us to (at least momentarily) detach from our goals…or in other words that might sound a bit more familiar (or hopefully less scary!), to focus on the process instead of the outcome. I’ve always loved the way actor Bryan Cranston articulates how he thinks about this concept and the impact he experienced as a result of making that shift.
And EXTRA bonus - if you are also struggling with the specific task of staying informed (within your boundaries), one resource that has helped me has been The Know. I have found their daily news digests to be informative yet hopeful and their guide on How to Stop Doomscrolling to have some great practical tips too.
WORK WITH ME
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Learn more and sign up HERE. OR….
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50% of the proceeds of this series are going to the Ukraine Humanitarian Appeal (Disasters Emergency Committee)
And as always, if you are ready to write the next chapter and are wondering if some 1-to-1 support could be helpful, learn more about what it means to partner with me in a coaching engagement. Ready to find out if we are a good fit? Book a Curiosity Call with yours truly.
In all curiousness,
Joy
P.S. If/when the spirit ever moves you - always feel free to hit reply on this newsletter and let me know what’s coming up for you!
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