What if my best isn’t good enough?
IN THIS NEWSLETTER
🛠️ The critical step I missed while in a rush to ‘fix’ an unhelpful belief.
❓ Questions you can ask when you want to find a more empowering perspective.
WHAT IF MY BEST ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH?
It was Sunday evening, so I was of course doing the weekly rush-around-the-house to tidy, organise and calendar-wrangle in prep for the week ahead. I took a peek inside of my seven year-old’s school bag, and as I’d left it to the last minute (again), I silently prayed that I wouldn’t find a reminder to bring in a model pyramid or science fair project for the next day. I let out a sigh of relief when all I found was a flyer announcing that all of the students would participate in a Spelling Bee later that week.
I said to Elliot, ‘Ah, that will be fun!’ (Context: I was a bit of a nerd and WON my 3rd grade Spelling Bee. I still remember joyfully copying out long lists of words and getting my parents to test me.)
But Elliot’s response was far less enthusiastic. He simply looked down and let out a big sigh. I sat down and asked him what about the Spelling Bee didn’t sound like very much fun to him. With a bit of coaxing, he admitted that he was nervous about having to get up in front of his class and spell out words.
I asked him to tell me more and he climbed into my lap as he explained his worry. ‘What if I get it wrong? It will be so embarrassing.’ he said.
I reminded him that so long as he did his best, he could always be proud of himself and that his father and I would also be so proud of him too.
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and whispered in a wobbly voice, ‘What if my best isn’t good enough?’
I’ll be honest, my mama-bear instincts took over COMPLETELY. I wanted to fix the situation. I felt compelled to protect him from all of the feelings of inadequacy he was having and might ever have in the future. And so, I went into solution mode and said:
“First of all, you have to remember that you are ALWAYS good enough. No matter what. Spelling champion or not, you are brave and kind and perfectly YOU! Also, if you want, we can practise together!”
I have to say, this little pep talk didn’t help much. Even as it came out of my mouth, I knew it wouldn’t, but my mind was drawing a complete BLANK as to what I could say that WOULD help. So, I left it at platitudes and cuddles and eventually we were onto a different subject, his worry forgotten for the moment at least. Whew.
As the universe would have it, I was slated to come into Elliot’s class a few days later for career week. The theme for the week was ‘CREATIVITY’ so I attempted explain what a Leadership Coach is, in the context of CREATING new mindsets and perspectives. The excited and restless group of 7-8 year olds did their best to listen as told them that one thing I support my clients to do is to create CONFIDENCE in themselves in the moments they don’t seem to have very much of it.
I told them: ‘EVERYONE has a part of them inside that sometimes believes they aren’t enough.’
The room went silent and still. All their cute little faces stared back at me, wide-eyed and with full knowing of what I meant.
I continued to say, ‘Everyone has a not-very-kind voice in their head that sometimes says: ‘You aren’t smart enough to do that.’ Or ‘You aren’t good enough at that sport to give it a go.’ or ‘You are so silly for making that mistake!’
And I asked, ‘Who here has heard a voice like that in their head before?’
Slowly, a couple of brave hands went up.
They told me about what their voices had said to them in the past. One was about the Spelling Bee the day before, and the other was a vivid recollection from when they were just three years old.
Then, more hands went up. The more they shared their examples, the more animated they became. These kids were relieved, even PROUD to share what their ‘not-so-kind’ voices had said to them.
The energy shift in the room was palpable. And I realised what the protective-mama-fear-centre in my brain had prevented me from seeing when I was speaking with Elliot. That part of me would have me completely forget how powerful it is to simply ACKNOWLEDGE & VALIDATE these thoughts when we have them.
By naming a thought, we reclaim a bit of the power it currently holds over us.
By understanding how normal it is to have that thought, we reclaim a bit more.
Ironically, this is the very first concept they teach in coaching school. And acknowledging and validating is something I do intuitively while in conversation with my clients. I KNOW this in my bones, and I’ve seen the power it holds. And yet I couldn’t see it in that moment with Elliot. That’s fear for you.
So I’ll offer to you what I neglected to offer my son (but definitely will next time!): It’s okay that you have these stories, these voices, these thoughts. To have a part of you that believes you are not enough, that you need OTHERS to tell you if you are good enough. It’s okay to feel that way sometimes.
Because it’s only when we accept these beliefs for what they are - simply thoughts we keep thinking - that they can start to feel outdated and untrue. Whether we are 7 or 77, it's only by acknowledging our current beliefs that we can become ready for new ones.
CURIOSITY PROMPTS
Think about a situation (professional or personal) that feels heavy at the moment.
What's a belief you hold about this situation? ('Belief' in this context: a thought you are having that is not necessarily based on facts.)
What emotions come up when you think this thought?
Acknowledge and Validate yourself! It makes perfect sense that with that thought running through your head, you'd be feeling the emotions you are feeling!
What's that belief costing you? (The obvious practical costs AND the not-so-obvious emotional and energy costs.)
What's another potential thought you could have about this situation? One that's only slightly more empowering than your current thought?
Imagine that thought were true. What would you like to do next?
WORK WITH ME
I support female leaders to hone their authentic leadership style and write the next bold chapter of work and life. It's the most rewarding work of my career to date and there are TWO ways I currently do it.
1️⃣ I run an online, self-paced course designed to support emerging female leaders in creating their unique and powerful gameplan for more progression, impact, fulfilment and FUN in their careers and beyond.
2️⃣ I support high-performing female leaders inside of bespoke, 1-to-1 coaching partnerships to produce extraordinary results by bridging the gap between where they are now and where they want to be. If you are curious about what a coaching partnership with me could look like, get in touch and we’ll have a chat. We’ll either conclude that we are a good fit, or I’ll share some resources/ideas/referrals of where you might find the support you need.
In all curiousness,
Joy
P.S. If/when the spirit ever moves you or you have questions - always feel free to get in touch and let me know what’s coming up for you!
P.P.S. Know someone who would enjoy reading this newsletter? Feel free to share!
P.P.P.S. Pointed to this newsletter by a friend and want more? You can subscribe to the newsletter HERE.