The ‘freedom to suck’ at something

I was scrolling my personal emails from the front passenger seat of our car, scanning for anything important I had missed over the holidays. I found one I thought I could knock out super quickly.

‘Hey Elliot,’ I chirped over my shoulder into the backseat, ‘I’ve got an email here from your teachers letting us know that there will be try-outs for the swim squad next week. Only the fastest swimmers will make the team. Do you want to try out? You didn’t make it last time, but you can absolutely try again if you want. Totally up to you.’

‘Oh yes!’ my 7-year old replied quickly and with a surprising amount of enthusiasm. I had assumed he’d feel a bit burned by the last try-out experience and opt out this time.

‘Oh okay! Wow, great. I can tell that you are excited to try again. Why’s that?’

Pause.

‘Welllll… If I make the squad and then I become the fastest swimmer in the whole school, everyone will appreciate me more.’

That’s verbatim, folks.

I awkwardly stumbled through the rest of the conversation, trying to encourage alternative and perhaps more empowering perspectives on swim squad try-outs. Meanwhile, internally, I nursed the gut punch I was experiencing. How sad it was that my son thought he needed to be ‘the best’ or even good at something in order for people to appreciate him. That he thought he needed to perform well in order to feel worthy. WHERE did he get this dependency on external validation?

Oh. 😑

Damn, kids can be the clearest, shiniest little mirrors when they haven’t yet learned to hide their truest motivations.

Cue the self-flagellation. ‘I’ve failed this child. My need to prove myself to others drove my ‘success’ for so many years, but nearly broke me in the process. Unlearning that need has been (and continues to be) a journey to say the least. And yet, I’ve not protected him from this destructive mental habit. Worse, I probably GAVE it to him!’

Elliot’s words kept popping into in my head for days to come. They explained so much about why he felt defeated very quickly when he wasn’t automatically excellent at new activities or skills. I talked about it with my husband, with my friends, with my coach. Through these conversations and my own introspection, I kept coming back to a principle I learned in coaching school; ‘Each person we meet is our teacher and student.’ This felt not only True and relevant in this scenario, but also a lot more empowering than, ‘I’m a terrible mother.’ And it left me feeling reconnected to a belief I’ve long held about my relationship with my son: We have so much to learn from one another. So I went with it.

From there, I noticed a shift. I no longer needed to ‘cure’ whatever misguided perspectives Elliot had ‘caught’ from me. Instead, I wanted to learn from him and this conversation. What was I meant to take away from this conversation for myself?

Immediately, I remembered something I’d read in ‘4000 Weeks’ by Oliver Burkeman. The book is based on the fact that we each have (on average) 4,000 weeks on this planet. (That sounds daunting and scary, I know, but trust me it’s a super uplifting read.) In any case, there was a part about the importance of rest and how doing things just for fun - with no intended outcome - is a powerful form of rest and an essential building block of a fulfilling 4,000 weeks. I went back and read a passage I’d highlighted where the author explored the idea of having hobbies that you aren’t very good at:

In the process of trying to attain a few moments of bliss, I experience something else: patience and humility, definitely, but also freedom. Freedom to pursue the futile. The freedom to suck without caring is revelatory. Results aren’t everything.

It occurred to me, I’m expecting Elliot to want to do things just for fun, without an intended result (in this case, the appreciation of his peers). When’s the last time I did that? When’s the last time I gave myself permission to suck at something?

I came up blank. I promised myself to keep my eyes open for opportunities and I found one the next day as I booked a yoga class for the first time in months. I’m objectively and profoundly unskilled at yoga and it’s prevented me from being consistent in my practice in the past. (Which of course has prolonged my lack of skills.) I’m now just a few weeks back into it, but I can honestly say that giving myself the space to practice without a desired result has made it a whole new experience already.

This has got me looking for other areas - even within my business - where it’s okay to just try and be less interested in the outcome. This newsletter and other content, for instance! Early days, but this new found ‘freedom to suck’ seems to be injecting more ease and joy… who knows, maybe I’ll get really good at these bits someday and everyone will appreciate me for it! But I take great relief from the fact that that’s not at ALL the aim.

Should Elliot and I completely give up on being really good (even GREAT) at some things? Of course not. There’s a hell of a lot of meaning to be found in the pursuit of excellence. But there’s a lot of joy and fulfilment to be found in the freedom to suck at some things too. He’s reminded me of that. And I’m hopeful I can model it back to him more often now.

CURIOSITY PROMPTS

• If it’s true that ‘Each person we meet is our teacher and our student,’ who could you be learning more from right now?

• Where could you give yourself the ‘freedom to suck’?

STILL CURIOUS? (BONUS CONTENT)

This topic has me thinking back to the very first edition of this newsletter written two years ago, where I kicked everything off with an exploration of what FUN meant to me and tools for embracing it more often. An oldie but a goody and worth a re-share.

Also, in case you missed it, I created a free resource for those of us who in late January might be feeling the momentum slip away from our 2024 goals. Feel free to download that here if that’s you!

WORK WITH ME

For the newbies to this newsletter - I help emerging and senior female leaders to connect with their authentic leadership style and to write the next bold chapter of work and beyond.

For everyone - don’t be shy if you are wondering if a coaching partnership might be just what you need. Get in touch and we’ll have a chat. We’ll either conclude that we are a good fit, or I’ll share some resources/ideas of where you might find the support you need.

In all curiousness,

Joy

P.S. If/when the spirit ever moves you or you have questions - always feel free to get in touch and let me know what’s coming up for you!

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